Who needs extreme sports when Survival is this Exhilarating?

Thursday evening and the world is good again. After a few days of some pretty serious self-doubt I emerge hopeful. I'm looking forward to Saturday and spending some money at Target and the flower shop. What else is there?

Don't think about the future, don't ponder the past, don't judge yourself.

Just converse with co-workers, just smile, just take a break, just take care of yourself.

Sunday

As another Sunday winds down and another work week looms in my immediate future, I try to focus and figure out what my strategy will be for maintaining emotional balance next week.

I spent a splendid weekend in the south visiting my kin-folk. As I filed out of the airport toward the husband awaiting me in the car, I notice the people working on a Sunday night in the airport. These jobs entail picking up garbage off the plane, picking up garbage off the floor of the airport, or even worse, working at a shop in the airport, where one must spend lonely hours sitting in an empty store for practically no monetary return, and surely no benefits.

It immediately makes me feel grateful for my job and my paycheck when I see workers like this. I could never live my life on their pay, and I would probably not even be able to do it, since it requires punching a time-clock, something I have never been able to master. They do encourage me greatly to go in and get the damned job done. No whining. No stressing.

Writer's Block

Ever heard of writer's block? Well sometimes I get worker's block. There are numerous techniques I've developed over the years to help dissipate it. Walk around and talk to co-workers, get coffee, surf the internet, go sit in my car, go sit in the ladies room, and type emails to friends are some of my tactics. Today I tried them all and by 4:30pm I was getting nowhere. Like literally nowhere, sitting there staring, click open outlook, close outlook, open outlook, close outlook. So I left (the last resort technique) and came home. God I hope tomorrow is better. Huge tasks are piling up, and they ain't gonna get done by themselves...that's for goddamn sure.

It's the physiological symptoms that tell me I've had enough

When at work I am overwhelmed at the number of details I am required to look after. There are so many I could not even list them here.  I check contract drawings against factory drawings, factory drawings against other factory drawings to make sure mating equipment, can, er, mate.  Endless checking is required to make sure every item on an order is correct, and an order may have hundreds of items. IT SUCKS!

Adding to the insurmountable mountain of details is a computer system that requires its own pampering .  One must check the computer to make sure everything matches up, then check the computer again, since sometimes the computer automatically changes things for reasons that can only be explained by someone in IT, but in no way make sense to a human trying to get work done. These are called ‘glitches’. THESE WILL HAUNT YOU FOREVER!

I used to think it was just my particular industry, but after working Saturday’s at the vets I’m convinced it’s everywhere. Recently I was confronted about a pricing error in the computer system that had been passed on to a customer. I was charged with being negligent because I should have caught the computer error. I can think of a list of reasons why this wasn’t particularly my fault, but whatever, when you are confronted it’s all over. ASSIGNING BLAME IS SOMETHING PEOPLE DO WHO CANNOT ACCEPT THAT SHIT HAPPENS!

Detailed paper documentation -> detailed computer files -> ever vigilant for computer glitches -> repeat.

Note to self: next job, make sure it does not require the cycle above. It is impossible and will make you crazy!

Wednesday Work opens up the heart to Despair

A work overload creates an atmosphere of controlled panic where speed and efficiency flow from my fingertips onto the keyboard and bounce off my tongue into the phone. My mind ceaselessly pushes, "work faster, get more done, this absolutely MUST get this done by 11, then this must get done...". Every breath reminds me of the pressure in the center of my chest, dull pain emanates outward and back toward the spine, up to the shoulders and down to the stomach. Even my elbows hurt. I frantically check my bank account, retirement account, calculating best case scenarios. I consider bargaining for more vacation time.

My character is drained of humor and common courtesies during the day. In the evening it leaves a shell of a being unable to enjoy gardening, reading, eating, walking the dogs or even television shows. I breathe in, and out, deep, and slow,
remembering
to let
my stomach rise, and fall
with my lungs.

On more manageable days I feel I am on the cusp of discovering something about myself, something crucial, important, altering. If I just had a little bit more time to think things through. Then I am robbed of the time, I must perform, and I don't like it. My house of cards blown over, just as I was setting the top-most one.

Was I ever onto anything? Am I a fool? Why not embrace the work-load? A million chances at self-discovery, none of them pursued to success. To change the story of my life.

It shows what happens when you ask too much of a limited resource: it disappears.

             From Why the Colorado River Stopped Flowing, as heard by me on All Things Considered on NPR.

Wow. I'm really trying to keep up appearances. Work is killing me. One co-worker left in March, then the other left mid-June. I'm all that is left of my job description. It is my understanding that the lapse in hiring replacements is a money saving measure, standard procedure. A replacement has been hired and starts August 3rd. So I only need to survive two more weeks.

If only it were only the two weeks. I work managing projects, and lately we have started many new projects. As any project manager can tell you, the early work is the most important. I have, I don't know, about 10 projects that will last a year or two that are all getting off to a very bad start. The repercussions will probably reverberate for years, long beyond the life-span of this next new chick starting August 3rd. Yahoo, I'm sure I'll still be around, mopping up the mess.

For Real

Part of the engine of the global economy is the unreasonable demands that can be placed on people you don't know. For there's always someone else you don't know who will do it cheaper.

Wednesday

It is Wednesday and I have been thinking about moving for a job. It is counter-intuitive for me. No job could be worth selling a house, moving, getting used to new surroundings, new people, finding a new place to keep all the crap and animals and husband. For a job...I might hate?

Stuff that really does not matter AT ALL

This week my work strategy has been to do maintain complete perfection on every task while being able to turn on amiable chatter with co-workers within a nano-seconds notice and stay within the physical confines of the office beyond the 8 hours required of me. Well it is only Tuesday and I am exhausted. But I am not having those daydreams of driving off a bridge (or shooting myself in the head; my top two suicide back-up plans)....maybe I'm improving!

The other day I asked the boss why stimulus money is better than regular money and he honestly looked like he wanted to smack me. It was a question I have been really asking myself. I was not trying to be "smart" as a mother would call it. But everybody around the office is always blathering on about stimulus money so I wanted to be in the know. Now I am, and apparently stimulus money IS better than regular money, as viewed by stockholders. So there.

Work Sucks, for the 1,954th time.

Well, projects getting into disarray, forensic evidence required to support my company's position, so looking forward to time-consuming, gut-wrenching, mind-bending gymanstics on my part to come up with the story.

This has happened many times in my life and the common thread is definitely me......

However in my 16 years of full-time work I have never been fired. I do get the feeling that inevitably in some future recession I will be one of those older employees that is the first to be let go and it will take me months to find a job again. And actually I am ok with that.

It is the story and the story's defense that I really really hate. It's the story, and the listening to superiors speeches about how important this is and now is the time to step up and have your research and defenses in position, etc. Oh, that's the real torture, is when they don't fire you, they are just disappointed.

Bone Tired

Had to stand all day for work. Then went out to dinner for a 3 hour meal and end-less conversation with co-workers....we solved all the worlds problems. And now I am wiggling underneath of the Hampton Inn bed covers. Sweet sleep please take me.

Another day in the meat-grinder

That's all I got in me; a title.