Lack of Ambition

I know of a single mother of three, going to night school to get her masters, and working full-time.

I know a dad, father of twins and husband, working full-time and getting his masters.

A friend who got a masters, started her own business and is fit and thin.

A co-worker, at the age of 42, decides to have her first child and will be working full-time afterward.

Beyond the scope of a list, I am aware of numerous people moving up through the ranks at work and expanding their education credentials.

All this accomplishing around me has been so glaring, like sunlight right in the eye, I am forced to wonder if I am supposed to jump in too. I have wondered, and pondered, and felt guilty and lazy. And today I came out the other side of that egotistical wonderland and rode a harmonious wave of "I'm fine the way I am" attitude. It just washed over me around 10am this morning. I didn't have to meditate about it or anything. You know, sometimes I wonder if all this insight and clarity is just hormones, but whatever, I damn sure felt it. All the reasoning I had been doing with myself about how somebody had to be the bottom 50% to make the top 50% feel better, or my reasoning how everybody else is crazy and is destroying their lives through over goal-setting for themselves and has forgotten how to stop and smell the lilacs only did very little to make me feel better. What it really took was the wash-over, the oh just fuck it all anyway I'm awesome feeling. There's nothing like it, THAT's what I need to bottle, but where the hell does it come from?

Probably hormones. Probably some mundane event, like third day post-ovulation or something. Damn it all to hell, why should life be so uncontrollable, and unreasonable, and nonspiritual? Is the magical formula really just a biorhythm?

Sundays

If I were to kill myself, I would do it on a Sunday.

Don't question - have faith?

When I was going through my buddhist phase, one of the things I struggled with was viewing the head Geshe-person as beyond question. For a beginning believer there are obvious advantages to thinking like this, don't have to worry about figuring out 2,500 years of text, just recognize that the formula delivered to you has been sifted, tested, and tweaked, it works so just follow it. I could go with it for a while, but then I would come up for air and wonder, "How do I make sure I don't participate in a group suicide?"

This season on Dancing with the Stars the judges said the same thing to the stars! Believe in your professional dancer and you will win this competition. Follow the Guru and obstacles will melt for you. Let the experienced one lead and feel peace on the way to success. Hmmm, interesting.

Then the Yahoo front page says one of the 'Secrets to Happiness at Work' is to just go along with your boss.

I'm starting to see a pattern. It's just bizarre to me that this idea has popped up in other areas outside religion. Bizarre.