Another Morning

I am a capable human being. I am a capable human being. I am a capable human being. I...

Morning

Well, I tried this morning to do it. To do the getting up early, etc. etc. Put the alarm clock across the room. Didn't work. I got up and turned it off. I'm addicted to sleep. I did tell myself I should get up. Fear about what I have to get done today and how I will fail is what kept me horizontal.

For a brief second I thought who cares if I fail? What can they do to me? They can't enforce corporal punishment, though sitting through reviews is close. The root of the problem is my penchant for praise. Although that when I do get praise, all I do is shrug it off as a mis-informed person.

No time for revisions....as I'm already late.

I hate work; I love work. Third morning without work and I'm adrift and feeling anxious. The husband exclaims, "Just go in then!" but I know I can't. That's been tried before. If I went in I would sit, stare, wonder what to do, check my email, email my family 'Hi!', make coffee, determine the one thing I should do and start on it, decide I need more coffee, send out another 'Hi!' and wonder why no one has responded, work 10 minutes, suddenly realize the overwhelming quiet of the office and think that if I go home I could really get alot done there, pack up and leave. This sequence has occurred enough times that I realize trying it again is simply setting myself up for failure from which it takes days to recover. I need work for the structure it brings to my life.

I hate work; I love work. I like to have someplace to go in the morning, some people who are glad to see me. If I did not show up at all there would be some concern, and vice versa. Although I am an introvert, I'm no hermit and do enjoy regular social interaction, especially in a formal setting where a few phrases can completely fulfill my obligation to the other. I have two jobs and in my second job, as a receptionist at a veterinarian's office, I get to have short conversations with the patients owners. It's kind of perfect for me, memorize a few lines, and have patience while letting others talk about their pet. I need work for the socialization it brings to my life.

Oh Shut Up!

The husband loves Thanksgiving.

I feel it is the most boring day of the year, second only to Christmas. If I can survive the entire month and half it takes to get the god-forsaken holiday season over with without buying a pistol and then blowing my brains out in the mall parking lot, then it has been a success.

Newton's Purr - a sound similar to that of a diesel engine

Newton, my faithful cat of 15 years, is leaning up against me as I type. My loyal, ever-present friend with the big soulful eyes. He is always there, when I wake in the night he is across the top of my pillow. When I eat dinner he is at the right of my dish. When I work out in the yard he follows me closely. When I tell him it is time to come in for the night, he meow-purrs as he picks himself up and comes to the sound of my voice. When watching TV he lays on my chest. He paternally will hold down my hand with one paw and lick it clean, because he knows I need it, even if I disagree. He has been with me through a room-mate, a boyfriend, a husband, four different domiciles and a cadre of other animals. He has been sick and had to go to the emergency room, he has been lost so I had to search for him, he has been in fights causing me to run out into the yard screaming hysterically at local tom cats. He's travelled in my lap on long car trips. He has soiled and ruined many a throw rug. When we had two litters of kittens he became Uncle to all and taught them about good manners. He has even taught two puppies what is and what is not acceptable behavior. He has taught me that best friends let you live your life, forgive you when you forget about them, and still accept you with love when you are ready to notice them again, letting you pick right up where you left off.

Don't ask me, I'm just going with it

Had a lovely three day weekend visiting family in NC. Had many long conversations encompassing the past, present and future. Spent hours in the truck with the husband, walked on the beach, saw a pileated woodpecker, bought gifts for folks, and got myself some excellent soy candles (which are burning now). After arriving home I called my friend to see how her weekend was and now have laundry in the washer.

What an efficient, loved and loving human I am. From here on out I will be calm and happy and the house will stay clean and I will not get jealous of others, and I will stay in touch with people and do thoughtful things for them and prepare healthy meals for me and the husband. The future is going to go so well, why have I ever had a worry? It's so easy, just give love and kindness and it all comes flowing back.

I'm going to go upstairs and put in the whites.

"I owe I owe so off to work I go"

Eating a bowl of cereal and watching the rain outside. How I wish I could continue to sit here and read and write and think.

Keeping the Eyes on the Prize

About a month now I have been checking out a certain blog daily. It is a "professional' blog written by a woman with "credentials" (apparently) in the career advice arena and she has 57,000+ subscribers. The writing is easy to read, thoughtful, short enough to read during a lunch break and leaves you with a small  nugget of an idea, then still have time to check my bank account, eat my lunch, and bull-shit with a co-worker. Sometimes I will jot down little notes to myself while reading her blog and then look at them later as an attempt to "improve" my working self.

I was slightly hesitant to make this blog a habit as the author could be a lunatic. It's the comments that really disturb me however. Really jolly, agreeable, comments just to comment. I don't like it; the whole "read this and then see what other people had to say about it". I like that for on-line recipes, book reviews, reviews of stuff I'm going to buy...and that is it. I don't like thoughtful ideas to be critiqued by the internet public. Because I don't trust people. So when I read the comments it would start me questioning the whole blog and if it was even worth spending any time reading it at all. So I say, self, just compartmentalize this puppy, read the blog and garner what you can from it, skip the the comments.

Simply not reading the comments was working out until the lady-blogger linked to another chick's blog. And this chick has nothing on the lady-blogger. For some dumb reason I clicked on the link Well the link goes to this blog that has been created by a self aggrandizing, spoiled, say nothing. Quite astonishing. Why would the lady-blogger link to such an atrocious self-advertisement? The question is, are birds of a feather flocking together?

This event upset me. I'm still reading the blog, but I'm full of doubt when I'm doing it. It has ruined it for me. The final question is is the problem with the lady-blogger or with me? Am I able to sift for gold without becoming obsessed with the silt? I shall continue to ponder.

Veteran's Day

This week I learned that my neice, who is a senior in high school, has decided to forego college in order to enlist.

Bad move, bad bad move I say. Now, having opinions about the armed forces is very dicey, it's like having opinions on race relations, it's not discussed in polite company and there are attitudes that you must exude while in public. Like "I support our troops", "thank you for your sacrifice" and do not, DO NOT say anything derogatory about the military or you are sure to get an earful. I tend to ride the middle and just don't think about the military too much.

But when my niece told me her decision, with every firing of my brain synapses I was devising arguments to persuade her otherwise. To me it is a step backward from which she may never recover. All my firing synapses could not come up with an influential reason that she agreed with however.

I'm just going to have to let it go, you can't direct someone elses life. And I'm driving the husband bonkers with my ranting. So I've given myself a self-imposed deadline of Thanksgiving. After that day I will not get myself worked about this, I will not.

But between now and then I'm going to give it a heck of a try!

Sunday Evening

My favorite day of the week has come and is nearly gone by. Baby girl T and I went for a 3 mile walk this afternoon and I can feel it everywhere, she is just as hyper as ever!

Two thoughts came to me this week that I would like to remember:

1. If I could have a dinner party with any persons, present, future or dead, I would invite Thomas Jefferoson, James Madison and Sarah Palin. And I would just sit and listen, maybe toss a few starter questions out.

2. If I could go back in time, I would go back and see if I could get Henry David Thoreau to sleep with me. A one-night stand.

This week day 5

That wonderful day, Friday!, has arrived.

Slept well, no Nyquil, in bed. Ta-da!

This week day 4

Ran out the door this morning before reporting but:

Slept well, Nyquil assisted, in the bed. Last week every night around 3 am I got a glimpse into hell, so I thought I'd document my sleeping to see if any insights came of it. But this week hell has not visited me. I'll take the sleeping well over the insights. There's time for insights later, as I'm sure hell will return.

So running out the door to get to work early because we have a mouse issue. Yesterday a Terminix man came and set mouse-traps all over my cubicle area. I stayed until everyone left and picked up all the traps and bait, put them in a box, taped the box closed and put the box in my overhead cabinet. Then I set a live trap under the drawer where the mouse was spotted. Unfortunately no mouse in the live trap this morning. I was hoping he would be caught and the Terminix man would never come back again. So the story is still un-folding.

Winner takes All

The world is a crazy place.

So many minute details seem so important at the time, and after a few steps back, they are minor. Some even ridiculous.

Yesterday I sent out a report to a customer and today he called and said some of it was wrong. After investigating a couple of minutes I realized I had used some portions from an old, incorrect report and thought it was part of the newer report. I had re-done a majoriy of it before sending it out, but I had thought this older part was still correct, and it wasn't.

What made me more frustrated, was that two versions ago, the part that was now wrong, was right. So I copied from two versions ago and pasted it into the new report, supplanting the one version ago part that was wrong.

If anyone else were to read this would any of this make sense? Probably not, and after I was mad at myself, tried to explain myself (sounding crazier than the above) I just relented and decided, you know what, this just isn't important. Make the revision (all required due to customer error and revisions on their part anyways) and move on. All the excuses and reasonable explanations in the world do not matter. Move on.

And that's the insanity of work. And it's never going to end. Victory one day (if you're lucky) will only be followed up by unrelenting failure and disappointment.

This week day 3

Slept great last night, in the bed, with no Nyquil.

Facebook

I just reactivated my Facebook account.



We'll see how I handle it.

This week day 2

I drank alot of coffee yesterday.

Slept well last night, after a gulp of Nyquil.

Still on the couch.

This week day 1

Going to try to have one cup of coffee a day and that is it.

Slept great last night; I was on the couch.