So I had been planning this party for about a month. It turned out real well. People came, seemed to have a good time, enjoyed the food and drink and there was copious conversation. Not as many people came as I had hoped, but, hey.
I even had tablecloths, candles, and white twinkling lights strung around.
I drank too many Margaritas and today have been feeding all day. There was something about the alcohol that sucked every nutrient out of my body, and it all needed to be replaced, today.
The dogs and I finished off the salmon dip together.
Everyone simply loves Zeva. Everybody says, "She's wonderful for a little dog." See, it just proves you can't judge a book by it's cover, or put much faith in stereotypes. She is a 5 pound chihuahua/dachschund mix and just so adorable and loving. Our big girl, Teyla, was very well-mannered throughout the evening, and stayed laying on the family room floor listening to the conversations. She is a gorgeous Belgian Shepherd and is the Audrey Hepburn of dogs. Beautiful eyes, petite, always a lady and her coat could not be anymore exquisite than if it had been designed by a top fashion designer.
Today husband and I watched TV all day. We watched "Talladega Nights". I appreciate that move more each time I see it. Every single scripted word is funny; there is no wasted time setting up jokes. That's pretty amazing.
Work hard next week, Me. Try to get alot done and earn the money you are paid. It's 5 days, you can do it.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
When Fog is Good
I've been lost lately. Some things have been happening, and these happenings have distorted my sense of who I am. The little awareness I had. Tonight an 'I'm okay' feeling is rolling in like fog, and I need it to stick around. I need it until my mind can maintain a healthy atmosphere on it's own. When will that be?
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Can't do it - Meaning Life as it Should be Done by the Good People
Last evening I went to Trader Joe's (the uppity grocery store), had to ask a clerk a question even, then went to the uppity beer store. Nobody at the beer store helped me, so I loaded 6 six packs, 3 bottles of wine and a party pack of beer into my trunk myself. I went to Shop Rite (the nice grocery store that just opened bringing things like 'almond milk' and such to my blue-collar enclave near Baltimore) to find some lamb because I wanted to make lamb kabobs this weekend.
I came home and cut my fresh flowers I had purchased and put them in vases around the house. I had a panic attack because I could not find my dusting stuff, which I still can't find. I wiped down and straightened up numerous surfaces, including the dining room table and buffet. I had to yell at the husband a few times to "come get his crap". It was go-go until the late hour of 10pm.
Now this morning I can barely move. My mind has frozen up. I know there are people out there who live like this every day, and do more! But I simply cannot do it.
Hey, I already knew all this about myself, but now it is documented in my blog. So when they have to do forensic analysis later they can read and nod, "Yep, yep, she definitely had X.".
I came home and cut my fresh flowers I had purchased and put them in vases around the house. I had a panic attack because I could not find my dusting stuff, which I still can't find. I wiped down and straightened up numerous surfaces, including the dining room table and buffet. I had to yell at the husband a few times to "come get his crap". It was go-go until the late hour of 10pm.
Now this morning I can barely move. My mind has frozen up. I know there are people out there who live like this every day, and do more! But I simply cannot do it.
Hey, I already knew all this about myself, but now it is documented in my blog. So when they have to do forensic analysis later they can read and nod, "Yep, yep, she definitely had X.".
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Good-Bye Blue Jay Barrens
Removed the blog Blue Jay Barrens from my blog roll. It disappeared some weeks back, and I thought it was having technical problems. Alas, it has not reappeared. It was a great blog about nature, and trees and stuff. Really well written and terrific photographs. I'll miss it.
Considering Cause and Effect
How has what I have done, what I am doing, and what I will do in the future, effect the story of my life?
Is the story of my life tragic if it ends on a bad note, but there were highlights in the middle? Do I forgo certain opportunities in an attempt to steer my life towards a "happy ending"? The happy ending is not a certainty, however certain decisions have some statistically bad endings. I know about them, I've read about them. Avoiding these decisions, without having to commit them first to learn their certain tragic result, is called "wisdom". And making decisions that the common wisdom considers "bad" is called "foolishness".
Foolishness...fools...those that receive no mercy...
Is the story of my life tragic if it ends on a bad note, but there were highlights in the middle? Do I forgo certain opportunities in an attempt to steer my life towards a "happy ending"? The happy ending is not a certainty, however certain decisions have some statistically bad endings. I know about them, I've read about them. Avoiding these decisions, without having to commit them first to learn their certain tragic result, is called "wisdom". And making decisions that the common wisdom considers "bad" is called "foolishness".
Foolishness...fools...those that receive no mercy...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Appalled, and appalled some more
I'm appalled I did not win the 330 million mega-millions.
Today's mind flitted between wanting to end it all in dramatic fashion and believing itself to be the cleverest mind ever. Bad mind! Bad mind!
I'm overusing the words "weird" and "strange" at work. But everything IS weird and strange, so my generous use of the words will continue.
Work is something to endure. I will endure.
Sometimes I wonder if my only skill is the ability to make men want me enough to put up with all my other crap. I do have some wiles related to femininity that I will sling around when in a crisis.
8th avenue closed. One homeless guy killed another homeless guy and now it is not an option. Shit.
I wish things would get real bad. I can be extremely creative, assertive, and calm when things are bad. Things aren't that bad though, so I'm playing it safe and freaking out.
Today's mind flitted between wanting to end it all in dramatic fashion and believing itself to be the cleverest mind ever. Bad mind! Bad mind!
I'm overusing the words "weird" and "strange" at work. But everything IS weird and strange, so my generous use of the words will continue.
Work is something to endure. I will endure.
Sometimes I wonder if my only skill is the ability to make men want me enough to put up with all my other crap. I do have some wiles related to femininity that I will sling around when in a crisis.
8th avenue closed. One homeless guy killed another homeless guy and now it is not an option. Shit.
I wish things would get real bad. I can be extremely creative, assertive, and calm when things are bad. Things aren't that bad though, so I'm playing it safe and freaking out.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Sunday Afternoon
My favorite day is here again. I'm actually making fair progress on my "to do" list. I watched "Little Miss Sunshine" on tv and cleaned during commercials. God I love that movie. There are certain movies I watch anytime they are on tv and that is one. Another is "40 Year Old Virgin".
Before "Little Miss Sunshine" today I watched "Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations". I love that show too. Yesterday there were multiple "No Reservations" on in a row, so I watched them while doing laundry. He goes to the ends of the earth, places no one else would go. And he can hang with the roughest crowds. I like him. He shows me places and people I will probably never get a chance to see and meet. I also thoroughly enjoy the parental warnings that are displayed after every commercial before "No Reservations" comes back on. Hilarious! A reminder of just how fucked up the modern world truly is. I'm not sure why the warnings are on his show, there was some incident, he said "fuck" or something like that.
I personally think the Indiana Jones' require a parental discretion warning. Those are movies that I recall hurting me deeply as a kid. In the first Indiana Jones' I loved Marion. To me, she was his partner, and an integral character to the movie. When the second move came out I was so excited to see Marion again. I remember brimming with anticipation as we sat in the dark theater. Then slowly the realization sunk in that there would be no Marion. She was not mentioned. She had been nothing. Women were forgettable and replaceable. I remember having a panicked feeling and gasping to keep sobs from exploding from me. It was torture to have to sit there and watch the whole movie. After that I hated Indiana Jones. I still get really upset when I see any reference to this trilogy.
I had a similar experience with "Star Wars" and Princess Leia. I kept expecting her to do something, get in there and fight. But she was a huge disappointment. And similar to IJ, after the second movie, I simply was not that interested any more.
After seeing "American Graffiti" I realized it is just George Lucas. He is an ass with very narrow vision.
Before "Little Miss Sunshine" today I watched "Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations". I love that show too. Yesterday there were multiple "No Reservations" on in a row, so I watched them while doing laundry. He goes to the ends of the earth, places no one else would go. And he can hang with the roughest crowds. I like him. He shows me places and people I will probably never get a chance to see and meet. I also thoroughly enjoy the parental warnings that are displayed after every commercial before "No Reservations" comes back on. Hilarious! A reminder of just how fucked up the modern world truly is. I'm not sure why the warnings are on his show, there was some incident, he said "fuck" or something like that.
I personally think the Indiana Jones' require a parental discretion warning. Those are movies that I recall hurting me deeply as a kid. In the first Indiana Jones' I loved Marion. To me, she was his partner, and an integral character to the movie. When the second move came out I was so excited to see Marion again. I remember brimming with anticipation as we sat in the dark theater. Then slowly the realization sunk in that there would be no Marion. She was not mentioned. She had been nothing. Women were forgettable and replaceable. I remember having a panicked feeling and gasping to keep sobs from exploding from me. It was torture to have to sit there and watch the whole movie. After that I hated Indiana Jones. I still get really upset when I see any reference to this trilogy.
I had a similar experience with "Star Wars" and Princess Leia. I kept expecting her to do something, get in there and fight. But she was a huge disappointment. And similar to IJ, after the second movie, I simply was not that interested any more.
After seeing "American Graffiti" I realized it is just George Lucas. He is an ass with very narrow vision.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
3 New Years Ideas and an expansion on the third
1. I have a compost pile, with leaves, and kitchen scraps. Recently I turned it and steam came up. Yay!!!!!!
2. We have been discussing where to go on vacation this year. Indecision grips me. My wish is to be able to come to a decision and follow through on the plans.
3. My lack of social skills problem could be due to ADD. I don't know. This probably requires months more of research and scheduling a visit with the psychiatrist to conclude. I want to do that this year. At least explore it and see what comes of it.
Blather about number 3. above.
The more I look into ADD web-sites and read, the more I like it. It fits me. I'm reading the "Girl-ADD" book now. That is what the husband and I dubbed it. This came about because the husband said maybe he has ADD, and I said yes that could be a possibility, and suggested he read the book when I'm done. He said, but that is for women, and I'm a man. I said maybe he has girl-ADD and he is a unique medical case. We now discuss ADD using this term, in all seriousness.
So one thing I like about reading the ADD book is difficult for me to put into words. But I shall try. It is letting me accept who I am as I am, with the bad things, the frustrating things and all. Having a messy house, a messy desk, inability to maintain relationships over long-ish periods of time, my extreme phone phobias, the way I always start a job and everybody thinks I'm the greatest thing and then I slowly decline as I get bored with it into a big disappointment. That's all me. Me, me, me.
That I wear tags on new clothes until someone notices and tells me (I did this the other day and the co-worker appeared truly distraught that I had done this. I was at the printer and I said, "Oh thanks, I'll cut it off when I get back to me desk." Just as calm as can be. I've done this a bunch. Sometimes I have worn clothes all day with the store tags on them, thinking I would fix it when I got home, and still didn't cut the tags off. And wore them a few more times.)
I am the worst offender for leaving old lunches in the refrigerator at work. They pile up fast. I try to make sure I have left nothing in the work refrigerator when I leave on Friday's. But.... I recently told the refrigerator monitor that I am a problem lunch-leaver. So he knows. And now I don't have to feel ashamed about it. I used to really feel bad, because I would overhear the receptionist and the refrigerator monitor talking about "Who would leave this stuff in the refrigerator?!" and then I would be embarrassed to tell them it was chronically me, because I was one of the good guys. But I am now over that, mostly. I did put an empty coffee pot back on a hot burner and burned the bottom of the pot and overheard the receptionist bitching about what kind of irresponsible moron would do that....I didn't fess up to that one. I figured it would blow over. It's me, me me, it's all me. But people think of me as a nice, together person and I don't want to disappoint them.
So anyway, I'm trying to accept all that about me, and that makes me feel better and then not need Zoloft. Cause if I can't accept that stuff and let it get to me, I'll need it again. And I want to move forward, not backward.
It's all me, all the parts. I'm irresponsible, and late, and bad at dead-lines, and procrastinate, and have trouble starting projects, especially if I think they are dumb, unnecessary or boring. But much of the corporate world is dumb, unnecessary and boring. That's just how it goes.
I'm blathering, I'll go now. But it felt like a healthy blather!
2. We have been discussing where to go on vacation this year. Indecision grips me. My wish is to be able to come to a decision and follow through on the plans.
3. My lack of social skills problem could be due to ADD. I don't know. This probably requires months more of research and scheduling a visit with the psychiatrist to conclude. I want to do that this year. At least explore it and see what comes of it.
Blather about number 3. above.
The more I look into ADD web-sites and read, the more I like it. It fits me. I'm reading the "Girl-ADD" book now. That is what the husband and I dubbed it. This came about because the husband said maybe he has ADD, and I said yes that could be a possibility, and suggested he read the book when I'm done. He said, but that is for women, and I'm a man. I said maybe he has girl-ADD and he is a unique medical case. We now discuss ADD using this term, in all seriousness.
So one thing I like about reading the ADD book is difficult for me to put into words. But I shall try. It is letting me accept who I am as I am, with the bad things, the frustrating things and all. Having a messy house, a messy desk, inability to maintain relationships over long-ish periods of time, my extreme phone phobias, the way I always start a job and everybody thinks I'm the greatest thing and then I slowly decline as I get bored with it into a big disappointment. That's all me. Me, me, me.
That I wear tags on new clothes until someone notices and tells me (I did this the other day and the co-worker appeared truly distraught that I had done this. I was at the printer and I said, "Oh thanks, I'll cut it off when I get back to me desk." Just as calm as can be. I've done this a bunch. Sometimes I have worn clothes all day with the store tags on them, thinking I would fix it when I got home, and still didn't cut the tags off. And wore them a few more times.)
I am the worst offender for leaving old lunches in the refrigerator at work. They pile up fast. I try to make sure I have left nothing in the work refrigerator when I leave on Friday's. But.... I recently told the refrigerator monitor that I am a problem lunch-leaver. So he knows. And now I don't have to feel ashamed about it. I used to really feel bad, because I would overhear the receptionist and the refrigerator monitor talking about "Who would leave this stuff in the refrigerator?!" and then I would be embarrassed to tell them it was chronically me, because I was one of the good guys. But I am now over that, mostly. I did put an empty coffee pot back on a hot burner and burned the bottom of the pot and overheard the receptionist bitching about what kind of irresponsible moron would do that....I didn't fess up to that one. I figured it would blow over. It's me, me me, it's all me. But people think of me as a nice, together person and I don't want to disappoint them.
So anyway, I'm trying to accept all that about me, and that makes me feel better and then not need Zoloft. Cause if I can't accept that stuff and let it get to me, I'll need it again. And I want to move forward, not backward.
It's all me, all the parts. I'm irresponsible, and late, and bad at dead-lines, and procrastinate, and have trouble starting projects, especially if I think they are dumb, unnecessary or boring. But much of the corporate world is dumb, unnecessary and boring. That's just how it goes.
I'm blathering, I'll go now. But it felt like a healthy blather!
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