I don't want to let myself slide down into the darkness, and need the Zoloft again. However, if needed, I would not think twice about taking it.
During the day I can manage well. It's the nights that might sink me. With a roll that should be simply changing positions, my mind fires up and reminds me of things I don't want to be reminded of. Things I don't even want to write down this morning. Things that are not necessary to speak of. Worrying type things, that I do not have any control over. Things that may be acknowledged, but then move on.
My mind grabs me, in the middle of the night, and tries to drag me down. Rumination is what it craves. But I'm trying to stop it at that moment it starts, to just shut it down. Immediately. In all my life I have never ever solved anything in the middle of the night.
When I was on Zoloft I went through a thought process like this:
"Oh, it wasn't depression, it's anxiety."
"Oh, it's not anxiety, it's constant rumination."
"It's not a ruminating habit, it's my inability to heal from one ruminating attack before the next one started."
"I can isolate these attacks and be myself inbetween."
And I can do that.
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