Self-Improvement, Again

Over the 4-day Christmas weekend, I had a determination to figure out what is wrong with me and fix it before work on Monday. I'm so tired of my own crap; I am ready to kick it out of me.

I'd never considered ADD before Wednesday, but the last day before the holiday break was difficult. Yet another day where my inadequacies haunted me and crying was not out of the question. My solution: get my psychiatrist to give me a prescription for Adderal. So, while I should have been working, I was googling 'how to get adderal'. One link led to another and I stumbled onto a book, by Sari Solden, Women with ADD: Embrace your Differences and Transform your Life. After reading the synopsis and reviews I HAD to have this book.

On the way home from work I drive to the local mall with the intent to visit the Border's Express and buy the book. Even with the Christmas madness, it was not that bad. I bee-line to the elevator, knowing if I traverse the mall to get to the stairs or the escalator I will get turned-around and frustrated. Since the bookstore is the predominant store I visit in the mall, I have memorized where it is. I get off the elevator, go around to the back, and discover the bookstore has closed. It has been changed to a sad-looking furniture store. I’m not surprised at this. I head back to the elevator, staring at the young couples with multiple young children, and wonder how on earth they cope.

I go home, and start raving to the husband that I MUST have this book before my 4 days off so I can read it. I have this feeling that if I don’t get this book and read it and digest it before Monday I will be surely be fired. We brainstorm about what bookstores are in our locale. He says, “Look it up online and make sure they have it. I am NOT going out Dec. 23rd and then they don’t even have the book.!” At this point I’m amazed that he is even willing to go with me, but I think he knows I’ve become completely obsessed, unstoppable and I’m leaving the next morning. So I scramble around on-line and Barnes and Nobles says they have it. I click the ‘Reserve this Book’ button and ignore the “Wait for a confirming email” warning. Off we go in the car.

We get there and the bookstore lady says, alas, Barnes and Nobles is ill-equipped. They don’t have it. But she takes me to the section it should be in. I flip through all the titles and leave with this: Making ADD Work: On-the-Job Strategies for Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder.

I like the book. It is non-judgmental and caring in tone. The work issues common to adults with ADD were familiar, such as constant fear of being fired, and an inability to complete seemingly simple tasks. It was also helpful and laid out good ideas for organizing a work day. Mostly though, it was inspiring to read about people out there who feel like I do day to day, or even worse, and manage to keep going.

So this is the problem du’jour, ADD. Even if I don’t have it the books may prove useful. I’m going to keep going with it.